I am startled
It’s the same jolt I would feel if you snuck up behind me.
It’s not your sudden presence that makes me flinch, but the absence, forever absence
Grief isn’t overcoming me in waves, leaving moments between surges to gasp for air
Like some warped science experiment, it’s forcing me to relive the shock. Im afraid to breathe
Again and again I hear the sudden news that you are gone — forever.
You passed away, you transcended, you’re with God now
Comforting words, they feel like a trick, setting me up for the next bolt of pain
You are dead. I say the words out loud and fumble for acceptance, while my hand longs for the phone
I need to talk to you; we weren’t finished, not even close
I love you, I’m proud of you, you don’t have to be afraid, be kind to yourself, you made me a better person, we can work anything out
The flinch snaps my head back; a sharp pain travels from my eyes through my face into my shoulders and chest. It leaves me nauseous.
I’ve lost you again
I would much prefer the waves