A walking contradiction, partly truth and partly fiction

I will not be ruled by fear

My morning mantra, walking from the parking lot to the shelter

I will not be ruled by fear, I mumble. I will not be ruled by fear…

…I will not be ruled by fearcourage-man-jump-through-the-gap-between-hill-business-concept-idea_1323-262

My fear is not the person who lives on the street, the woman fleeing domestic violence or her abuser

Not the drug addict, nor the person hearing voices

I hear voices of my own…

…who unleash swarms of worries, mock confidence, whisper self-doubt

I talk too much, I don’t speak up; I reveal too much, I keep too many secrets

I am chaos and perfectionism, forgetful, and obsessive

ADD and OCD

Mindful and distracted

I offer no comfort, then give too much advice

I read minds and make up answers

Oversensitive, and insensitive

I am dependent, I am controlling

I am timid and arrogant

I am lonely and loved

Oh, but sometimes the voices are drowned out by a mumble

I surrender and they submit

Sometimes I accept the contradictions

Today, I am not ruled by fear

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My Nemesis

My nemesis is always near, aware of my weaknesses

I am sleepless and lonely; he comes with such cunning it seems he was in the room before me

D399981D-A4FB-4F50-A571-5E0CA6A5E688-718-000000BAA56AC705At first he is the flicker at the edge of my vision, then surrounding me like a prize fighter

Fleeing is not the answer;  he rides my shadow, amused by my haste, as if it gives him credibility

He mocks me if I hide, aggressively exploiting my self-pity with hypnotic voices in my head

I am most most vulnerable to his persuasion when mind and body feel neglected, starved, resentful, exhausted

I slip into his deceptively powerful arms until it’s too late; my lungs feel a reflux burn and my lips go numb with panic

He whispers in my ear words that stir an evolutionary urge

Fight! Conquer Me!

But I have been trained, disciplined to persevere

I surrender.

My nemesis sighs, releases his grip and is gone

 

 

 

Code Blue: There but for the grace of ‘Someone’ go I

I woke yesterday morning to ice on my windshield. I instantly thought of the Code Blue.

That is the alert called by Sonoma County when nighttime temperatures drop to dangerous levels for the homeless population. Our volunteers at Catholic Charities were manning warming stations throughout a stressful night for people living on the streets.

AKBA177962_AA4E_41DA_B8AD_A6C470862909I am grateful this Thanksgiving to work with folks who welcome people experiencing homelessness with a tremendous but matter-of-fact generosity. They offer a reprieve from fear, a look in the eyes that conveys respect, inquisitiveness that says each person is interesting and unique.

They help them find homes and employment, help their kids get into schools. They help write resumes and coach them in interviewing skills, even provide nice clothes for job interviews. They feed them and provide beds.

They set aside parking lots where families who live in their cars can feel safe at night.

Some of the people who come to Catholic Charities have criminal records.

So do I.

Some of them suffer from mental illnesses.

So do I.

Some of them are addicts.

So am I.

Some of them are unemployed.

I’ve been there.

Many of them are fleeing domestic violence.

You and I know someone who has, too. I promise.

An exhaustive 2011 government study found that nearly one in five women reported they had been raped or experienced an attempted rape at some point, and one in four said they had been beaten. One in six said they have been stalked.

If you are reading this, you know an addict or alcoholic. You know someone who is mentally ill. You know an unemployed person.

The face of homelessness may not be so different from you or your neighbors. Imagine losing three months salary, losing your insurance, going off your anti-depressants, your Lasix, your Lipitor, your benzodiazepines.  Imagine missing one rent payment?

On this day when we are supposed to celebrate gratitude, be glad for those people you know. They have you. Be glad for yourself. Be thankful for support. Be thankful for a family, for friends. For ties that bind and break falls. For patient people who will not betray your trust and will tolerate you at your worst. Be grateful that you have not fallen so far that you have destroyed all of those ties.

One of the first questions asked when a family enters our shelter is what support system they have. A majority of them have no one. The sound of those words in the air is so icy it burns my eyes.

No one.

There is a sign hanging in an 12-step meeting I attend that says “Alcoholism is a disease of loneliness.”

Isolation can be fatal.

After two weeks in jail following a DUI, I was a shaking, terrified mess. All I thought I had going for me was a sobriety chip in my pocket. I walked out of the Buchanan Country Jail into my brother’s embrace. In the car I wondered what I would have done  if he hadn’t been there. The answer was as clear as the fresh air through the open window. I would have broken my probation and walked into a bar.

Someone or No one.

That is a life and death difference.

I don’t like the expression, “There but for the grace of God go I.” It seems to say that God chose me over someone else. It’s more accurate to say, “There but for the grace of my brother go I.” “There but for the grace of a loving wife and beautiful children go I.”

I’ve seen people with 420 friends on Facebook decry “their” money going to lazy people who don’t want to work for a living.  Drug addicts. Welfare queens.  Drains on society. These are tough times for everyone and I chalk those statements up to fear and the spread of misleading information. There is a misconception that people are gaming the system or that less-deserving people are receiving homeless benefits at the expense of veterans.  It’s not either or. In fact, Congress recently voted down a benefits package for homeless veterans because there is a surplus  of benefits from last year. They will look at it again on the next budget.

Veterans

The people living this dangerous life are in it together. The veterans, much like when they were serving active duty, do not concern themselves with the politics of their situation. They are surviving– head injuries, PTSD, poverty and loneliness.

In fact, there has been great progress on this front.

Since a 2009 Obama Administration initiative to end veteran homelessness, the number of veterans experiencing homelessness has decreased by more than 33 percent. The state of Virginia announced last week that it is the first state to meet the federal definition of effectively ending homelessness among veterans.

Tax dollars well spent

Research shows that for chronically homeless individuals, stable housing is essential to recovery. The solution to the problem of chronic homelessness is permanent housing coupled with supportive services that provide for rent subsidies,  rehabilitation, therapy, and improved health.

These services are cost-effective. Chronically homeless individuals living in permanent housing are far less likely to draw on expensive public services. They are also less likely to end up in homeless shelters, emergency rooms, or jails, none of which are effective  interventions for chronic homelessness. The costs to local, state and federal agencies is reduced.

A public program in Seattle found that it saved nearly $30,000 per tenant per year in publicly-funded services, all while achieving improved self-reliance and health for their clients.

Targeted prevention policies are equally important, connecting with people who are  at risk of becoming homeless, such those exiting prisons or psychiatric facilities, before they have the chance to become homeless.

Chronic homelessness

People who are chronically  homeless are often the public face of homelessness. It is a common misconception that this group represents the majority of the homeless population. Rather, they account for less than 15 percent of the entire population on a given day.

Fortunately, there has been significant progress to address chronic homelessness in the last decade. The number of individuals experiencing chronic homelessness has declined by 21 percent since 2010.

Families

A substantial number of people experiencing homelessness are in families.

  • In January 2014, there were 578,424 people experiencing homelessness on any given night in the United States.
  • Of that number, 216,197 are people in families,  about 37 percent of the homeless population, and
  • 362,163 are individuals.
  • About 9 percent of homeless people– 49,933 — are veterans.

Homeless families are similar to other poor families. They typically become homeless because of an unforeseen event– a medical emergency, a car accident, a death in the family — that prevents them from being able to hold on to housing.

Most homeless families are able to bounce back  quickly, with relatively little public assistance. Usually, homeless families require rent assistance, housing placement services, job assistance, and other short-term, one-time services before returning to independence and stability.

It is estimated that there are approximately half a million unaccompanied youth in the U.S. They often become homeless due to family conflict, including divorce, neglect, or abuse. Most experience short-term homelessness, before returning to friends or family.

They provide special challenges because they are often not eligible for services used for homelessness intervention. For example, they cannot sign a lease.

There has been a rising focus on LGBT youth experiencing homelessness who have specific needs and are at heightened risk of harm compared to their heterosexual counterparts.

Fleeing violence

Domestic violence is prevalent among women experiencing homelessness. One study in Massachusetts found that 92 percent of homeless women had experienced severe physical or sexual assault at some point in their lives, 63 percent had been victims of violence by an intimate partner, and 32 percent had been assaulted by their current or most recent partner.

A strong investment in affordable housing is crucial to this population, so that the family or woman is able to leave the shelter system as quickly as possible without returning to the abuser.

Health

Poor health is a major cause of homelessness, and homelessness creates new health problems and exacerbates existing ones. Living on the street or in crowded homeless shelters is  stressful and made worse by being exposed to communicable disease, violence, malnutrition, and harmful weather exposure.

Common health problems such as high blood pressure, diabetes, and asthma become worse because there is no safe place to store medications or syringes properly. Maintaining a healthy diet is difficult. Behavioral health issues often develop or are made worse. Injuries do not heal properly because bathing, keeping bandages clean, and getting proper rest and recuperation isn’t possible. Minor issues such as cuts or common colds easily develop into large problems such as infections or pneumonia.

High stress, unhealthy and dangerous environments, and an inability to eat properly  worsen overall health and result in visits to emergency rooms and hospitals. Thus, it is not surprising that those experiencing homelessness are three to four times more likely to die prematurely than their housed counterparts, and experience an average life expectancy as low as 41 years.

Currently there is talk in Santa Rosa, Calif., about how to provide hospice services to people on the street who are dying. The problem: hospice comes to homes.

Out in the cold

The first words that come to mind to describe the experience of homelessness are not lazy or weak, but rather, frightening, exhausting, overwhelming, lonely, deadly.

I have hit the bottom of addiction, stared into the abyss of a full-blown bi-polar break, heard the click of handcuffs and the clang of a jail cell door. They were all frightening. One difference, I didn’t go through any of these experiences without a home to return to.

I didn’t go through any of them with No One. That would have taken another level of courage.

I have never had to hide my children from the threat of violence.

I have never sat on a bucket all night in a grocery store parking lot to watch over my  family sleeping in a car.

I have never truly feared a weather report.

Last night when I picked up the laptop to begin writing this, I threw on an extra sweatshirt because I get cold easy. I didn’t turn up the thermostat because our bill was too high last month.

This morning, as the sun relieves another Code Blue,  I am grateful that I am able to write that sentence.

 

 

The Poetry of Damaged Wood

“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.”Chinese Proverb

When I lived in the Seattle suburbs it seemed that every wind brought a power outage. Young, fresh, evergreens toppled like stemware at a toddler’s birthday party.

Spoiled by soft living in saturated soil, the roots never reached deep enough to hold their ground.

6c5e5f09a999e8010bd1679d751970b7Replanted in clear-cuts, the emerald trees glowed in the dawn’s light off my back deck. They were certainly beautiful and they drove up property values, but there was something lacking –untested– in these feathery trees adorning housing developments.

The towering Douglas fir I saw on a hike high in the Cascades lacked their symmetrical grace.  It was bony and naked from where the shadows began up in the canopy down to where I stood on a cushion of dry needles. Its was pocked by beetles and blackened by memories of forest fires. Leaning eerily into the steep slope of the mountain, most of its branches jutted off to one side. It and sister trees grew out of a long, narrow ridge, the earthen remains of an ancient sequoia corpse, a “nurse log,” returning it’s nutrients to the next generation.

The suburban trees were likewise more sleek than the massive tulip poplar that stoically haunted my front yard in Missouri. A dark wound gaping from the massive trunk oozed bees. Late at night I imagined it home to demons.  One jagged branch careened over the neighbor’s house like an unfinished freeway off-ramp. Leprous bark crumbled in chunks.  It was a rough tree that had lived through rough times — tornadoes, droughts, ice storms, lightning strikes.

No one writes poetry about pretty suburban trees. Naked Douglas firs, scarred by forest fires, living off death, and homely tulip poplars possessed by demons, those are more romantic.

Today my wife and I celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary, the wood anniversary. We live high on a hill where the wind always blows. There is nothing smooth or lush about either of us. Rather than topple, we lean into the wind – or more often into each other.

JJ is strong because she has been abused, scarred, burned – by relationships, circumstances, tragedy. Her face is creased by wind and sun and sorrow. Her eyes sparkle with a joy that only someone who has experienced despair can know.

JJ and I both are among the 51 percent of Americans whose first marriage ended in divorce.

We both came out of that experience damaged,  dried up, our trust eaten away. We lost friends. I lost family. Some might say we nearly lost everything.

I’m not sure if it matters which tree  is JJ and which tree I am. I’m from the Midwest so I guess I’ll be the Tulip Poplar, the battered tree with the bark falling off. I’m bi-polar so a few bees buzzing around inside is an apt metaphor. Wind and ice and drought and lightning out of nowhere have made me patient.  I know soft rain and warmth outnumber storms. Children eventually gather around, and one day the exact right person comes along to see beauty.

JJ is lovely like the fir high up on the mountain, straining for light. She is damaged by memories, secretly alone at times even in a crowd. She leans into life, sheltering everyone around her. Haunted as she is by it, she still finds nourishment and transformation in tragedy.

There are many discussion about the state of marriage in our country. The statistic above is quoted often. Social change is blamed for stealing the institution’s sanctity.

Today, none of that matters to me. Not today. Today  is about wood. It’s about miles of roots that hold true when wind and rain and lightning blast from all sides, roots that find sustenance and water when there’s none to be found. And bark toughened by time, elements and those who would do harm. And heart, soft but enduring.

It’s about broken branches and nakedness and dark places inside.

It’s about poetry.

Our marriage is not easy. Finances, unemployment, addiction, sickness, fear.

Drought, tornadoes, forest fires, lightning, pestilence.

The problems have always been there. They will be tomorrow.

So will the trees.

 

 

 

 

The Hole

Man falls into a hole.

The walls are too steep, smooth and high to climb out. imagesH1HEWJDT

Soon a priest comes along and the man yells for help. The priest scribbles a prayer on a scrap of paper and drops it into the hole and goes on his way.

The next person to come along is a doctor. The man hollers from the darkness, “Can you please help me?” The physician writes a prescription and drops it in.

The next person to pass by the hole is the man’s friend. The sun is setting and the man is anxious. He cries for help.

The friend jumps into the hole.

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!” the man asks. “NOW WE’RE BOTH DOWN HERE!”

“Yes,” said his friend, “but I’ve been here before and I know the way out.”

 Author unknown

Now and at the hour of our death

This is a work of fiction.

He returns from the daydream, and is lost in the chant of Morning Prayer. Pressing his finger to the page he finds his place in the text. Awkwardly he edges back into the singing, drawing cringes from the monks standing next to him. He is tone deaf and his voice buzzes and bobs like a discombobulated June bug as his brother monks lift their rich, well-rehearsed voices on a ribbon of prayer to the ceiling of the basilica. Undeterred, Brother Lucius singsimagesBKZGVSUA with enthusiasm that would make St. Benedict proud. But he thinks with a hidden grin that his voice might cause the 1,500 year-old saint to rise and appear in the Church, bewildered at what had woken him so rudely from his slumber.

Brother Lucius shifts from cheek to cheek on the seat of the oak choir stall and tugs at his habit, snug over his plump belly. The black garment is not his preferred monastic garb. Underneath, he is wearing the true vestments of his calling, a T-shirt, denim overalls, and work boots. The other monks have come to accept the pungent smell emanating from Lucius, a familiar perfume of dried sweat, grease, motor oil and dust. His face smudged black, callused hands permanently stained. Crescent moons of dirt under fingernails from digging and scraping in gardens and orchards.

During the sign of peace, the one moment of intimacy in the monks’ Liturgy of the Hours, Brother Lucius forgoes the traditional embrace, perhaps to spare his confreres contact with his perpetually soiled habit, or maybe out of simple mischief. Instead, he sticks out one finger. Amused the monks return the gesture in E.T. fashion. Morning Prayer ends, the monks file out of the church. Brother Lucius sheds the habit. This morning, he pulled on an unblemished white T-shirt he bought at Wal-Mart and a stiff new Pioneer feed cap, as if he would be going somewhere special. He cinches the straps on his overalls and heads to the courtyard, still and silent within the high ramparts of the monastery like the mustering ground of a fort. It used to be crossed by two cobblestone sidewalks that met in the middle at a large Terra cotta fountain. The grass was mowed and a garden of flowers and manicured shrubs were tended by a large contingent of novices.

Vocations have dwindled at the Abbey in the past forty years and time has not been good to the courtyard. The fountain and sidewalks crumbled and eventually were carted away. Their pieces were hauled by wheelbarrows to the borders of gardens throughout the Abbey grounds or crushed into gravel for the road pinched between rows of live oaks to the ruins of the Abbey’s ancient dairy operation.

The shrubs in the courtyard died and were uprooted with chains. The hands of novices these days are soft from studying theology and cleaning bathrooms.  Now the courtyard is all Brother Lucius’s. He has answered the call by raising roses, rhododendrons, miniature pine trees and cherry blossoms. He nurtures a magnolia tree, and cares for bursting prisms of perennials. This morning his entire focus is on a small pine at the fringe of the yard. He waters it furiously, hoping to save it from rust corroding it’s branches. He quietly prays that it isn’t bark beetles.

Finished with watering, he returns to Common Room in the monastery for a cup of coffee. Anxious to get back to where God always awaits him, he rushes into the hallway leading toward the back porch. He hurries down the dark hallway and startles and elderly man emerging from an adjoining passage. Lucius greets the man but realizes something isn’t right. No one but monks are allowed in the cloister. The man doesn’t respond, but lifts something from his side. Lucius isn’t sure what strikes first, the electric jolt inside his ribcage or the ringing in his skull.  A muffled explosion echoes off the polished walls. He sags to the floor and looks at his outstretched hand. The tips of two fingers are missing. The man steps closer, his eye’s are pewter, holding no light. Lucius now recognizes the black of the rifle.  He pleads, No, don’t. Lucius feels bad for the man. He knows something terrible is happening. No, don’t, he says again, this time a whisper.

Brother Lucius is standing on the back porch of the monastery. A June breeze is carrying the faint aroma of manure from a pig farm on the ridge two miles to the north. He casually lifts the feed cap off his head and adjusts it like all farmers do, and wanders south past the Guesthouse. There is no one about, only a cardinal chiding him from a linden tree and silent robins divining for worms. It’s unusual for the Abbey grounds to be so empty on a warm spring day and he feels lonesome. Near the parking lot, he passes a white statue of Mary, brilliant in the morning sun. The Holy Mother holds her arms out, beckoning him to a maternal embrace. He thinks cheerfully of the rosaries he makes for the Abbey gift shop. “Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners…” he says. The loneliness lifts.

Entering the walnut grove he is among friends. The old monk planted these trees as saplings four decades before. Now they provide shade to pilgrims who come to the middle of nowhere to find peace at his Abbey. He lovingly opened the path he is walking on now, not paved or graveled, but carpeted in soft grass. It moves unobtrusively, like an ocean jet stream through tallgrass and timber floor, to the spongy edges of moss-covered wetland. The trail climbs across sun-bathed ridges and through the apple orchard where Jesus could easily have led his Apostles.  One of the red-cheeked novices who helped build the trail is now in his 40s and gray around the temples. He runs the guesthouse, inscribed at the entrance with the words of St. Benedict: “All guests who present themselves are to be welcomed as Christ.” Brother Lucius practices Benedictine hospitality by taking local farm children on hayrides in autumn and by baiting hooks for Catholic school students from the city who come to the Abbey to fish for bluegill and crappie.

Lucius enters a small stand of timber and is blinded by shadows.  He blinks his eyes in the muggy darkness and steps around muddy grass where a small stream trickles across the trail and pools in the cottonwoods. The glade is haunted by a dilapidated shack, not much bigger than a child’s playhouse. A shoddy Cross of St. Benedict hangs on the front door, faded to strained pink by years of weather. A small sagging porch hangs on for dear life. Spiders and centipedes have taken up residence. The Abbey hermitage hasn’t known human habitation for two decades. Father Placid, a delightfully odd monk, last lived there for a two year period. He slept on a cot, raising his food in a small garden that has since melted back into the forest floor. Brother Lucius occasionally visited Father Placid in the cool of the evening. He usually found the monk sitting on the porch with a childlike smile on his face, tapping his toe to music only he could hear. Father Placid was considered strange by many of the younger monks, who didn’t approve of the old monk’s use of marijuana, but Brother Lucius liked his strange confere, though they had little in common. The priest deemed himself a mystic, a spiritual descendent of the Desert Fathers, whose writings he had taught in the seminary. He studied Islam, Buddhism and Judaism, and he read Greek, Latin and Hebrew like a New York Times Best Sellers.  Placid was fascinated by extra-terrestrial life and loved the alien conspiracies bandied about on 2 a.m. radio talk shows, which he listened to on a transistor radio (his only concession to technology). Brother Lucius chuckles quietly at the thought of his friend, now in his 80s, tottering on a cane still spinning wild theories.

The trail leaving the timber climbs steeply into the Midwest sun. Brother Lucius is again blinded. He sympathizes with guests who often retreat from the humid ascent to the shade of the grove or the air-conditioned guest house. Lucius wipes a work-coarsened hand across his glistening brow and bends to massage his arthritic knee. His own Mount of Olives awaits. The ridge, baked dry by hostile summers, is balding at the top like Brother Lucius, combed over by bluestems, fescue and Indian grass.

He breathes deeply as he enters the apple orchard at the end of his climb, enjoying the familiar sticky sweet smell in the air. June drop, the trees discarding the apples left after harvest. He drags his feet between the trees,  kicking up rotting apples in the grass until he swears he can taste the pungent fruit on his tongue.

Brother Lucius looks down from the hillside on the Abbey lake where he goes alone when the darkness takes him. The doctors finally came up with a name for it. They told him he was bipolar. But he prefers what he had suspected for many years before the diagnosis. That he is so bound to nature, to the land and to the seasons, that the great joy he feels in the outdoors has come with a price. In the winter when cold and dark take the land, he knows he is closer to death. In the spring, nature is struggling to be reborn, mothers are giving birth and babies are fighting against their own birth. The shoots on trees are straining toward the sun. Growth is painful. Brother Lucius suffers with this knowledge. In summer when the world lazily marks time Lucius loses himself in long sweaty days, satisfied with the exhaustion from manual labor.  It is the only time of year that he sleeps soundly. When crisp fall evenings slice away the cottony heat and the land swells with abundance, melancholy settles on Lucius. He is spotted in the lengthening shadows of the woods, or trudging the lakeside in his Carhart jacket. He drifts silently away from the community, like the leaves falling from his precious trees.

A streak of lightning dissects the horizon. Emotions swells in his chest as they always do when tortured weather is about. He walks to the water, slides his hands comfortably into the bib of his overalls and gazes at the purple storm groaning toward him.

Lucius, or William as he was called as a child, is standing in the rain staring at the sky above his family’s farm outside Wichita, Kansas. A faint bark cuts through the hiss of the downpour. He swivels quickly and sees his father’s silhouette through the rain, near the storm cellar. William moves toward him and makes out his father frantically waving him toward door to safety. The obedient boy runs through the mud to where his father his holding the unwieldy door open. William drops into the cellar foxhole, his father ducks quickly behind him. Immediately, as if giving chase, what sounds like an assault of baseballs crashes into the cellar door. The hail stops so suddenly William’s ears lurch. William waits, his body like one tense muscle. He looks around at his mother, his younger brother and his father. Only his father, who looks no different than if he’s come in from another day milking cows, is breathing.  The silence is broken by a distant voice outside. His mother’s eyes widen, she squeezes William’s brother to her side. William’s father calmly walks to the top of the cellar, pries the door open and peers out. He turns and says, You boys don’t go near this door, and slips away. William notices a strange green stillness through the slamming door.

The wait for his father seems like hours . Without preamble, the storm erupts again. Terror rises like vinegar in the boy’s throat. The door to the cellar bounces like a bed in a horror movie. But more terrifying is the roar of a freight train above his head. Just like they had described it in school. Even though he has lived his whole life in “Tornado Alley” he has never been close to one. Now a twister is trying to rip his family from a root cellar. And his father is gone. He rushes past his mother to the top of the stairs o open the door, but something (a demon?) is pushing against him. He digs in against the top step and presses both shoulders against the door, head bowed beneath the weight. He thrusts upward, leaping out of the earth. The door breaks free for a moment. He peers for a moment out into an abyss of purple and black, tangling and boiling like evil. A crash of lightning splinters, clean and malicious, and he tumbles down the stairs.

An explosion ruptures the darkness.

Brother Lucius lies on the floor of the monastery. The thunder of the second shot surrounds him. His ears scream. He is sucking rapid gulps of oxygen but he can’t swallow fast enough. The old man stands over him,  rifle barrel cutting into his sternum. For a moment Lucius sees regret in the weary eyes, but then nothing. The man lifts the barrel from Lucius’s chest, struggles to gather it, then cradles it to his bosom. He turns away  and limps down the hallway. A cough, deep and ragged, bubbles to Lucius’s lips, and blood splatters onto his new white T-shirt.

Little orange secrets

Alan opens his eyes to the floral print of  the comforter covering his head, reminding him of childhood and bunk-bed tents.  His breath, hot and sour, fills the small space. He tugs the covers from his face. The sudden cold will stay all day. She is gone. Fear slithers around his ribs and constricts his breath. She’s only at work, he reminds himself. The Voice says, she’s working while you lie here. Alan presses his hand against the tightness in his chest and rolls out of bed. He psychosisphotoplants his feet on the floor. They’re prickly as blood returns. He slows his breathing, stands and walks to the dresser where she set out his pill bottles like little orange secrets. He picks up a full bottle of Klonopin and shakes it. Untouched Prozac rests by the Lithium he has ignored for over a month. His sudden anger at her surprises him. He opens his underwear drawer and sweeps the bottles in with his arm. With evidence of his frailty out of sight, his temper melts into sorrow.

Alan shuffles to the window and parts the blinds. He is surrounded. The nearby ocean has kicked up a fog like Dust Bowl topsoil. At the edge of his vision, he wonders if he’s seeing Susan’s long blonde hair as she walks away into the fog. He blinks the sleep out of his eyes and stares again; nothing is there. The lovely hills and valleys that curve like her body are flattened by impenetrable white. The restful bench under the large oak across the field is hidden behind swirling mists.

In the kitchen he opens the fridge, stares, and swipes a Diet Coke. Breakfast. The Aspartame, one more thing to worry over.

Falling on the couch, he knows he should look for a job, but the Voice tells him, what’s the point? It’s been a year, it reminds him. Something will come up, Alan answers without conviction. Susan works overtime every day and comes home and takes care of him. She has since the breakdown last Christmas. She soothes his guilt. She holds his face in her hands and says don’t worry about anything but getting well. But the Voice wonders what she’s really thinking. The Voice is cruel about the men who came before. They had taken her around the world, to Paris, Africa, Cabo. They had fucked her in exotic places. They had money. They could take care of her. What can you do, the Voice asks with a sneer. Alan buries his head in his hands. He paces around the house, trying to escape the Voice. He runs back to the dark bedroom, slams the door and freezes, listens. Light the color of a tarnished coin waits patiently at the window. He spots himself in the mirror above her vanity. Gray stubble too heavy for his drooping face. Puffed, purple crescents under his eyes like a boxer the day after a fight. He hasn’t showered since Tuesday. What will the Voice say? He slumps in the corner behind the bed. His eyes dart around the ceiling looking for composure.

Alan comes to with an apneaic gag. He’s not sure how long he’s been asleep. He tries to get up but the pain in his back, knees and ribs is too much. He sags back to the floor. He grabs the bed and the nightstand and forces himself through the talons of pain. A framed photograph of Susan and him teeters on the nightstand. He reaches to steady it, but too late. It falls face down.

He lurches down the hall to the kitchen. A note from her on the table asks him to put the garbage cans out. His exhaustion borders on dread. But the fear of disappointing her overcomes his fatigue. He retrieves his favorite sweatshirt from the living room floor and musters the energy to go outside. He trips over a basket in the shadows of the laundry room and is startled by a rhythmic clicking from the back yard. Eventually he opens the door enough to see the clothes line rattling against the house. Relieved, he stumbles blindly into the fog. Finding the garbage cans he tries to wheel them out of the garage. He stumbles and drops the larger can, spilling rancid garbage across the concrete. He looks around to see if anyone is watching, even though he knows no one is there. Except for the Voice. Alan does his best to ignore the laughter and scrapes up most of the trash and wipes his hands in the wet grass.

Towing the cans behind him down the wandering lane he descends beneath the fog. The Voice is gone. The smell of wild grass and pine trees draws the anxiety from his chest like poison. Wild turkeys along his path watch his progress. A playful calico teases him and then slips like smoke through a blackberry patch. At the busy highway he wrestles the cans into place.

As he climbs back to the house, his wind defeats him. Out of breath, he recalls when he could take this hill at a dead sprint. He tries to run, but only lasts a few strides. The Voice returns to taunt him. You’re a piece of shit. What does she see in you? You’re out of your league. She said I’m the love of her life, Alan responds. The fog starts to wrap around him like gauze. The turkeys have gone. The calico, oblivious, is hunting mice in the neighbor’s hayfield.

He arrives at the front porch in the mist and reaches with his toe to find the steps. The Voice laughs and says, Watch out, that first step’s a bitch.  Alan, knocking droplets of fog from his hair, opens the front door and hopes to find refuge. The Voice follows. He can’t remember when the Voice wasn’t with him. He loathes it, but in a nauseating way he is drawn to it. The Voice is persuasive. It makes sense.  Soon the ocean will roll the fog back into its bosom. He hopes, as he has so many times before, that it will take the Voice with it and drown it deep in its gray waters.

I’m not going anywhere, the Voice whispers. There is no hope. Alan enters the bedroom and draws a heart in the heavy layer of dust on Susan’s vanity.  He sits on the bed and prays for silence.

He walks to his dresser, opens the top drawer, and stares down at the orange bottles. He hears the Voice coming from every room of the house. He picks up a bottle and unscrews the cap.

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons alive or dead is purely coincidental.